I have decided…
…to fully embrace the whole “dying alone” thing. Logically, I doubt I will, but I think that innate fear is what is causing me the most stress and heartache right now. I had a panic attack this morning, for the first time in years. Full blown, paralyzing, couldn’t breathe, heart racing, panic attack. I couldn’t even stop shaking enough to call anyone for help. After a while, I think I hyperventilated myself into passing out, because I woke up to my cats freaking the fuck out, and Mama would not stop licking and rubbing on me, which gave me something to focus on. I then got up and puked/retched for a good 20 minutes. Dry heaves? Always awesome.
I don’t do this with every break up. I’ve been dumped my fair share. I’m not going to get into my history, but I’ve been through some shit, and breakups don’t inspire panic attacks.
I think, what it is, is a realization of my own mortality, and the timing of this, just after my birthday, having recently gotten the news that my long estranged father is dying, and reconnecting with him, just broke me. Well… re-broke me. I’ve been broken for ages, but no one seems to believe me. Until they do.
So I’m going to embrace the idea that I am going to live alone, with my cats, and my dogs, and my garden. I’m going to embrace it so I don’t fear it. And if someone wanders in to my life and decides he wants to be a part of it, well… He’ll have some baggage to wade through. And he’d better be ready to fight for me.
But if not, that’s okay, because I plan on dying alone you see.